i've been learning to have more patience with myself. i feel like i expect so much out of myself. out of life. i have this anxious urgency that i will not be able to actualize my potential (and save the world) because of the uncertainty of life. how can i be so sure i'll be here tomorrow. or the next day? i feel like i'm gripping onto the present...clawing at it to not let go. i'm scared to fall into the unknown. i'm here now. this is what i know. this is where happiness is possible. maybe i've just fixated on it as a goal. like one of these days, I WILL BE HAPPY! maybe i need to accept all of it as part of life and not focus on the positive. it is all me.
i learn so much from my patients. they teach me how to appreciate my life...all that i have. i've had moments with some which seem to withstand time. as i think of them, they flicker like movie stills depicting love and understanding...a pale, elderly latina woman with gray hair down her back reaching up to hold my face and tell me how beautiful i was as i was doing hourly rounds...a demented african american woman asking me to sit next to her as the sun rose and she earnestly explained how she wanted "so much for me"...a WWII veteran who looked me in my eyes and said thank you as i reminded him he was here now and we were here to take care of him.
i've had so many amazing experiences. when a person's health is on the line...their fears are exposed and everything comes to the surface. the least i can do is simply be there and listen to them while they're going through it all.
life is so peculiar. and fascinating at the same time
something learned: funerals use to be held in people's homes up until the 1950s. living rooms use to be known as parlors. death moved outside the house with the rise of the hospital.
something different: i am feeling overwhelmed with work, trying to find time to volunteer, be artistic, manage my finances, spend time with friends...i feel like i'm going to explode if i don't do something soon. my heart is telling me to move back to california.
something grateful: i'm thankful for the opportunity to spend this time on my own. i was looking at my maryland license the other day and noticed the crab. i'm a cancer. i've come to a state where i can crawl into my shell (ha!)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Hello world!
I've been meaning to start this blog for a while and now have finally found the time to. I feel like I'm in the initial phases of settling down. A new city (well, trial 2). A new job. A new nursing specialty. A new (used) car. I feel like I'm slowly beginning to become an adult. What is an adult? For me, right now, it's someone who speaks the truth, gives back, serves themselves and the greater good. I'm learning to take responsibility for myself and be the person I envision myself to be. This means being proactive about seeking opportunities to actually grow and mature along my journey in life.
For a while, I had lost my faith in words. I was not part of this world. My reality was one in which words were pathetic attempts to convey the Ultimate Reality. Slowly but surely, I've learned to respect words once again. In the beginning, there was the word. Words are powerful means to speak the truth. They are a gift from the Ultimate Reality. They should be used with reverence. It is only through practicing mindful awareness does one understand this point...I've only been able to fathom this after putting in the work and effort to ground myself to the present moment. Only in the present is happiness possible.
My life has changed. I look forward to embarking on each day. It is not the end, but the journey which matters. I do have to remind myself to have more patience. I want to be the accomplished person I know I am capable of becoming, right now. I often fixate on how it's unfair that I'm not able to be that person right now. And then I remember to breathe and come back to the present. The seeds are being sown now and will blossom when the time is right. Only then will the plant be able to bear fruit.
Anyhow, I went off on a tangent. This blog is my opportunity to share the immense gratitude I have for life with the universe. I will be updating with things I've learned, things I could have done differently, and of course, things I'm grateful for...starting now!
something learned: The basal metabolic rate (BMR) is the amount of energy necessary to maintain your body. In the average person, this is about 1200-1800 cal/day. You can find a rough estimate of your BMR by multiplying your body weight in pounds by 10. The brain takes about 1/5 of our BMR!! The amount stays about the same, even when we are very mentally active.
something different: I could have organized my day off today a little differently in order to be a little more productive. starting now, I will endeavor to do that :)
something grateful: I'm absolutely grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I just finished reading my best friend, Genevieve's blog and was so happy! She's an incredibly talented artist who channels her heart and puts in the work to actualize her vision. I love love love her :)
farewell and blessings!
xoxo
For a while, I had lost my faith in words. I was not part of this world. My reality was one in which words were pathetic attempts to convey the Ultimate Reality. Slowly but surely, I've learned to respect words once again. In the beginning, there was the word. Words are powerful means to speak the truth. They are a gift from the Ultimate Reality. They should be used with reverence. It is only through practicing mindful awareness does one understand this point...I've only been able to fathom this after putting in the work and effort to ground myself to the present moment. Only in the present is happiness possible.
My life has changed. I look forward to embarking on each day. It is not the end, but the journey which matters. I do have to remind myself to have more patience. I want to be the accomplished person I know I am capable of becoming, right now. I often fixate on how it's unfair that I'm not able to be that person right now. And then I remember to breathe and come back to the present. The seeds are being sown now and will blossom when the time is right. Only then will the plant be able to bear fruit.
Anyhow, I went off on a tangent. This blog is my opportunity to share the immense gratitude I have for life with the universe. I will be updating with things I've learned, things I could have done differently, and of course, things I'm grateful for...starting now!
something learned: The basal metabolic rate (BMR) is the amount of energy necessary to maintain your body. In the average person, this is about 1200-1800 cal/day. You can find a rough estimate of your BMR by multiplying your body weight in pounds by 10. The brain takes about 1/5 of our BMR!! The amount stays about the same, even when we are very mentally active.
something different: I could have organized my day off today a little differently in order to be a little more productive. starting now, I will endeavor to do that :)
something grateful: I'm absolutely grateful for all the wonderful people in my life. I just finished reading my best friend, Genevieve's blog and was so happy! She's an incredibly talented artist who channels her heart and puts in the work to actualize her vision. I love love love her :)
farewell and blessings!
xoxo
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